Choosing...

This has been a season of real testing for me...mostly mental/emotional. And yesterday, for some reason, I feel like I emerged from a fog, so I thought I would share.
  I created this blog quite a while ago, and named it because I "feel" like it describes my life pretty well. As I look back on almost 20 years of marriage, I could say with a great deal of authority that not much of this was a part of MY original plan. Now, certainly many things occurred because of choices (good and bad) that I/we made throughout the years...choices in actions or reactions. But ultimately, I believe that God has known it all from the beginning...the choices we would make, the mistakes and triumphs, and continues to weave it all together for good...but Whose good is it really? And what part do we really play in it?
  Some major events this year have rocked me, and this is what I have learned from them. The "good" God speaks of? It is "for" us, but it is for us "Eternally". What I mean is this...the world wants us to think that the ultimate end is our happiness, but for God, the ultimate end is His Glory and our life with Him forever, and our obedience and faith even when we don't get all the answers. Yes, He wants us to be happy, but He wants us to be completely His more than that. He knows that this world is full of pain, and He gives us an out...Him. But that is what we have total control of...do we choose Him...despite everything else?
  So what were my struggles, and why? I believe very firmly that God has written all names in His Book of Life, and He planned our family from the beginning. I also felt that because He finally allowed me to "feel done" meant that we were done after #6! So when we discovered that we were expecting #7, to say I went through a rollercoaster of emotions would be an understatement. To make it worse was that some of our family had been struggling through infertility/failed adoptions for years and while we knew they celebrated the birth of our children we also understood how it broke their hearts. I didn't (and still honestly don't) fully understand God's plan in all this, and we waited and agonized over telling the family until the news would have announced itself~literally. As expected, the news rocked the family, and to some effect still does. Large families aren't as popular as they once were when you needed farm hands, and that is ok. God doesn't worry about others approval when he asks us to walk in His path. What wasn't ok was how I coped emotionally. I have struggled more with this precious life than any other I have carried...even the 4 that we lost through the years. And why? She is a sweet, sweet gift from the King of Kings. For some unknown reason He found us worthy of raising another soul for His Kingdom. It is an awesome responsibility (which tends to overwhelm me as well) that He will complete through us! She is separate from the stresses and issues which have surrounded her life to this point inside my womb. She is a gift...a gift I can choose to celebrate and give thanks for or I can choose to stress and worry and wail over. The choice is mine to make...and what I choose will determine my (and my family's) "happiness" but not my reality. I finally have come to grips with that...and I will choose to celebrate her life with all that I am. This life was given to us to bless us, yes, but ultimately to draw us closer to the Giver of All Life.
  Then this past June, we had a friend discover she faced a serious battle with cancer. While she was someone I had worked with over the years, I mainly knew her through the fact that our daughter had babysat for her daughter(s) for the past 3 years. Our conversations, the "real ones" occurred when she picked Meghan up or dropped her off...and in recent months had usually centered around her wanting more kiddos. Even in the middle of her battle, she yearned for what I so carelessly lamented. We watched her fight for her life these past 8 months with everything she had in her...a battle she lost here on earth but completed victoriously in Heaven. And she chose joy...despite knowing the pain and sadness she was leaving behind (and I am sure fighting her own sense of pain and sadness as well). What you heard time after time is that she CHOSE JOY. In the face of death. When you watch her girls, you see that evidence...they depict her joy, even while they grieve their mother. Her trust in her Savior defied her reality here on earth. She drew close to Him even while she wanted to stay here with her family. She (and her family) chose God over everything else, even when it isn't fair or doesn't make sense or isn't the answer they wanted.
  We went to her funeral this past Saturday, and she is part of why the fog has cleared. She has shown me my choice...I can find the joy in the midst of the pain if I am willing. I can rejoice even as I feel weak and afraid of what is before me. I can draw strength from the One who knows my heart and loves me despite it all. Or I can choose not to. I can be sad, miserable, depressed, overwhelmed and angry. None of it changes my circumstances...just my heart.
  My fog has dissipated, in no small part to Nicole and her battle with cancer. She has reminded me that God wants me...my whole heart and mind and soul. He wants me to find my joy and peace and happiness in Him, not in my circumstances. He wants me to always point my family toward Him, no matter what else gets in the way. And that is what I will choose today...to find my Joy in my Savior. And that is where it changes into bringing me hope and a future.