May...this time of year always brings me to a time of reflection, (more than usual). I am by nature a reflective person. Especially in the shower...or when I am trying to sleep. :) But this year marks 20 years. A long time to ponder...
From where I sit I can watch him working at the computer...he shifts from school work to Facebook to videos, this boy (man)of mine. His life is what so many today call a choice.
20 years and 2 weeks ago, my (then) boyfriend got a job after 9 months of unemployment. 20 years and 2 days ago I found out I was pregnant. 20 years and 2 days ago I decided to not have an abortion.
It was devestating news. Not because I didn't want to be a mother...not because I didn't love the baby's father...not even because I was "too young" (19). It was because I knew how many people would be disappointed in me and my poor decision to have sex before marriage. It was not how I was raised. It was not what I believed. And yet, here I was.
Abortion is touted as a choice. An option. Don't want a baby? Alone? Without help? Disappointing others? Have an abortion and it will go away. They play on our fears of the future...And yet...
Those moments, those days, they were not easy ones. I was afraid. I was the "good girl" and now I had done this horrible thing. But I couldn't do THAT horrible thing, so I had to face it. And I had a good man that stood beside me. But it wasn't easy.
W got engaged and began to plan a wedding. One of the most difficult conversations I have ever had to have was telling my mom...thankfully SHE told my dad. :) In July we will celebrate 20 years of
fighting each day to put God and each other at the front of our focus. 20 years of choosing Life, in all its messiness. See, those moments of desperation? They change...they end...they become different moments. Those times when you can not see any way out? God reveals a whole new path for you to take. Life is never a bad choice...never the wrong choice. Maybe not the easy one, but never the wrong one.
That baby...he is becoming a man. He is the oldest of seven children. He is learning to take responsibility for his wants, needs and actions. He is not perfect, but he is perfectly made. One day, God willing, he will become a husband and father. And in the good times and bad, on days when I am thankful to be his mother and days when I want to toss him off the nearest bridge, I am reminded that life, his life...ALL life, is a gift. No matter what.
20 years ago today....I never knew what God had intended for me, if i was willing to seek Him and His forgiveness. I felt alone, scared, and a complete and utter failure. Yet I was redeemed. And
forgiven. And loved.
20 years ago this May...I became a mother.
(Written May 19, 2013, even though posted a bit later!)
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Adoption
I've been thinking about adoption lately. Strange, you might think, with a 4 month old and her 6 siblings to care for? It's true...but maybe not what you think.
We will potentially "adopt" 4 more boys and 3 more girls into our family over the next 20+ years, and I want to be ready. Ready to bring new life into this family, ready to bring new personalities (and please God, new jokes), new strengths and new weaknesses, new joys, new sorrows, new people...new children. One day, we will become in-laws.
I listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast recently on the power and importance of the in-law relationship and it got me thinking about the subject even more than usual. (Go search for it...you will be blessed!) But honestly it is something I have been thinking and praying about a lot of the past few years as our children get older...what do I want our adult relationships to look like? And I realize that I want 7 new children(If that is Gods will)! I want our boys to be men of God, who honor Him above all else and leave us and cleave to their wives. I want them to put their marriages first, because that will strengthen their relationship with us. I want to watch their wives become sisters to their sisters. I want them to want to come home to visit...and I want their wives to want to do the same.
And I want the exact same for our girls, just in reverse. :) In addition, I want them to love their own in-laws. I want our children to be blessed with two sets of parents...the ones they were born to and the ones they were married in to. And it won't be easy...but it can be beautiful.
How do we, as parents, prepare for that day? When our children choose the one they pledge the rest of their life to? When we adopt a child that someone else ultimately chooses for us? Prayer, certainly. And love...and lots of communication...and learning how to back off as parents and become friends. (And grandparents! So much more fun! :) )
But I realized something...when we brought home our first child, that was it. We were in it for the long haul. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. Life is messy...and children even more so. And the same will hold true for those that become our family though marriage.
Adoption...that is what we will be doing. Adopting (possibly) 7 unique individuals, with their own strengths and weaknesses, families, quirks, and issues. And they will add to the kaleidoscope of colors that is "Our Family". They will stretch us and grow us and challenge us and ultimately bless us more than I can even imagine.
So a word of warning to our children...choose wisely, because family doesn't turn it's back on each other, and if you ask us to adopt a child on your behalf (through marriage) than know we will love
that child til "death do us part".
We will potentially "adopt" 4 more boys and 3 more girls into our family over the next 20+ years, and I want to be ready. Ready to bring new life into this family, ready to bring new personalities (and please God, new jokes), new strengths and new weaknesses, new joys, new sorrows, new people...new children. One day, we will become in-laws.
I listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast recently on the power and importance of the in-law relationship and it got me thinking about the subject even more than usual. (Go search for it...you will be blessed!) But honestly it is something I have been thinking and praying about a lot of the past few years as our children get older...what do I want our adult relationships to look like? And I realize that I want 7 new children(If that is Gods will)! I want our boys to be men of God, who honor Him above all else and leave us and cleave to their wives. I want them to put their marriages first, because that will strengthen their relationship with us. I want to watch their wives become sisters to their sisters. I want them to want to come home to visit...and I want their wives to want to do the same.
And I want the exact same for our girls, just in reverse. :) In addition, I want them to love their own in-laws. I want our children to be blessed with two sets of parents...the ones they were born to and the ones they were married in to. And it won't be easy...but it can be beautiful.
How do we, as parents, prepare for that day? When our children choose the one they pledge the rest of their life to? When we adopt a child that someone else ultimately chooses for us? Prayer, certainly. And love...and lots of communication...and learning how to back off as parents and become friends. (And grandparents! So much more fun! :) )
But I realized something...when we brought home our first child, that was it. We were in it for the long haul. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. Life is messy...and children even more so. And the same will hold true for those that become our family though marriage.
Adoption...that is what we will be doing. Adopting (possibly) 7 unique individuals, with their own strengths and weaknesses, families, quirks, and issues. And they will add to the kaleidoscope of colors that is "Our Family". They will stretch us and grow us and challenge us and ultimately bless us more than I can even imagine.
So a word of warning to our children...choose wisely, because family doesn't turn it's back on each other, and if you ask us to adopt a child on your behalf (through marriage) than know we will love
that child til "death do us part".
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Faith
"Now Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things yet unseen." Hebrews 11:1
Marlee Faith graced our family February 26, 2013, at 1:26 in the morning. She gave me a little more than a week to choose that joy I talked about. And she had her own agenda in arriving, as well!
A quick overview....contractions started around 9:30 Monday night,the 25th. They were harder, but sporadic, so didn't wake hubby. Tried to go to bed, but they kept me awake...just as I was deciding that I wouldn't be able to sleep, my water broke at 12:35! (Which hadn't happened on its own in the previous births). Needless to say, we barely made it to the hospital in time...she showed up at 1:26, the morning of the 26th. Beautiful and delicate and healthy.
Almost 20 years after we were married, I laid in yet another hospital bed after giving birth to our 7th child. It was in the wee hours of the morning, and I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted. Beside me was our newborn daughter, sleeping peacefully. And next to her was my man, also asleep, cradling us in his arms. That picture will stay with me forever. Seeing my husband treasure this gift, these moments, as much as he did our first.
Marlee Faith...I don't know why God looked down and saw us as worthy, but I am so very thankful He did. Welcome, sweet one.
Marlee Faith graced our family February 26, 2013, at 1:26 in the morning. She gave me a little more than a week to choose that joy I talked about. And she had her own agenda in arriving, as well!
A quick overview....contractions started around 9:30 Monday night,the 25th. They were harder, but sporadic, so didn't wake hubby. Tried to go to bed, but they kept me awake...just as I was deciding that I wouldn't be able to sleep, my water broke at 12:35! (Which hadn't happened on its own in the previous births). Needless to say, we barely made it to the hospital in time...she showed up at 1:26, the morning of the 26th. Beautiful and delicate and healthy.
Almost 20 years after we were married, I laid in yet another hospital bed after giving birth to our 7th child. It was in the wee hours of the morning, and I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted. Beside me was our newborn daughter, sleeping peacefully. And next to her was my man, also asleep, cradling us in his arms. That picture will stay with me forever. Seeing my husband treasure this gift, these moments, as much as he did our first.
Marlee Faith...I don't know why God looked down and saw us as worthy, but I am so very thankful He did. Welcome, sweet one.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Choosing...
This has been a season of real testing for me...mostly mental/emotional. And yesterday, for some reason, I feel like I emerged from a fog, so I thought I would share.
I created this blog quite a while ago, and named it because I "feel" like it describes my life pretty well. As I look back on almost 20 years of marriage, I could say with a great deal of authority that not much of this was a part of MY original plan. Now, certainly many things occurred because of choices (good and bad) that I/we made throughout the years...choices in actions or reactions. But ultimately, I believe that God has known it all from the beginning...the choices we would make, the mistakes and triumphs, and continues to weave it all together for good...but Whose good is it really? And what part do we really play in it?
Some major events this year have rocked me, and this is what I have learned from them. The "good" God speaks of? It is "for" us, but it is for us "Eternally". What I mean is this...the world wants us to think that the ultimate end is our happiness, but for God, the ultimate end is His Glory and our life with Him forever, and our obedience and faith even when we don't get all the answers. Yes, He wants us to be happy, but He wants us to be completely His more than that. He knows that this world is full of pain, and He gives us an out...Him. But that is what we have total control of...do we choose Him...despite everything else?
So what were my struggles, and why? I believe very firmly that God has written all names in His Book of Life, and He planned our family from the beginning. I also felt that because He finally allowed me to "feel done" meant that we were done after #6! So when we discovered that we were expecting #7, to say I went through a rollercoaster of emotions would be an understatement. To make it worse was that some of our family had been struggling through infertility/failed adoptions for years and while we knew they celebrated the birth of our children we also understood how it broke their hearts. I didn't (and still honestly don't) fully understand God's plan in all this, and we waited and agonized over telling the family until the news would have announced itself~literally. As expected, the news rocked the family, and to some effect still does. Large families aren't as popular as they once were when you needed farm hands, and that is ok. God doesn't worry about others approval when he asks us to walk in His path. What wasn't ok was how I coped emotionally. I have struggled more with this precious life than any other I have carried...even the 4 that we lost through the years. And why? She is a sweet, sweet gift from the King of Kings. For some unknown reason He found us worthy of raising another soul for His Kingdom. It is an awesome responsibility (which tends to overwhelm me as well) that He will complete through us! She is separate from the stresses and issues which have surrounded her life to this point inside my womb. She is a gift...a gift I can choose to celebrate and give thanks for or I can choose to stress and worry and wail over. The choice is mine to make...and what I choose will determine my (and my family's) "happiness" but not my reality. I finally have come to grips with that...and I will choose to celebrate her life with all that I am. This life was given to us to bless us, yes, but ultimately to draw us closer to the Giver of All Life.
Then this past June, we had a friend discover she faced a serious battle with cancer. While she was someone I had worked with over the years, I mainly knew her through the fact that our daughter had babysat for her daughter(s) for the past 3 years. Our conversations, the "real ones" occurred when she picked Meghan up or dropped her off...and in recent months had usually centered around her wanting more kiddos. Even in the middle of her battle, she yearned for what I so carelessly lamented. We watched her fight for her life these past 8 months with everything she had in her...a battle she lost here on earth but completed victoriously in Heaven. And she chose joy...despite knowing the pain and sadness she was leaving behind (and I am sure fighting her own sense of pain and sadness as well). What you heard time after time is that she CHOSE JOY. In the face of death. When you watch her girls, you see that evidence...they depict her joy, even while they grieve their mother. Her trust in her Savior defied her reality here on earth. She drew close to Him even while she wanted to stay here with her family. She (and her family) chose God over everything else, even when it isn't fair or doesn't make sense or isn't the answer they wanted.
We went to her funeral this past Saturday, and she is part of why the fog has cleared. She has shown me my choice...I can find the joy in the midst of the pain if I am willing. I can rejoice even as I feel weak and afraid of what is before me. I can draw strength from the One who knows my heart and loves me despite it all. Or I can choose not to. I can be sad, miserable, depressed, overwhelmed and angry. None of it changes my circumstances...just my heart.
My fog has dissipated, in no small part to Nicole and her battle with cancer. She has reminded me that God wants me...my whole heart and mind and soul. He wants me to find my joy and peace and happiness in Him, not in my circumstances. He wants me to always point my family toward Him, no matter what else gets in the way. And that is what I will choose today...to find my Joy in my Savior. And that is where it changes into bringing me hope and a future.
I created this blog quite a while ago, and named it because I "feel" like it describes my life pretty well. As I look back on almost 20 years of marriage, I could say with a great deal of authority that not much of this was a part of MY original plan. Now, certainly many things occurred because of choices (good and bad) that I/we made throughout the years...choices in actions or reactions. But ultimately, I believe that God has known it all from the beginning...the choices we would make, the mistakes and triumphs, and continues to weave it all together for good...but Whose good is it really? And what part do we really play in it?
Some major events this year have rocked me, and this is what I have learned from them. The "good" God speaks of? It is "for" us, but it is for us "Eternally". What I mean is this...the world wants us to think that the ultimate end is our happiness, but for God, the ultimate end is His Glory and our life with Him forever, and our obedience and faith even when we don't get all the answers. Yes, He wants us to be happy, but He wants us to be completely His more than that. He knows that this world is full of pain, and He gives us an out...Him. But that is what we have total control of...do we choose Him...despite everything else?
So what were my struggles, and why? I believe very firmly that God has written all names in His Book of Life, and He planned our family from the beginning. I also felt that because He finally allowed me to "feel done" meant that we were done after #6! So when we discovered that we were expecting #7, to say I went through a rollercoaster of emotions would be an understatement. To make it worse was that some of our family had been struggling through infertility/failed adoptions for years and while we knew they celebrated the birth of our children we also understood how it broke their hearts. I didn't (and still honestly don't) fully understand God's plan in all this, and we waited and agonized over telling the family until the news would have announced itself~literally. As expected, the news rocked the family, and to some effect still does. Large families aren't as popular as they once were when you needed farm hands, and that is ok. God doesn't worry about others approval when he asks us to walk in His path. What wasn't ok was how I coped emotionally. I have struggled more with this precious life than any other I have carried...even the 4 that we lost through the years. And why? She is a sweet, sweet gift from the King of Kings. For some unknown reason He found us worthy of raising another soul for His Kingdom. It is an awesome responsibility (which tends to overwhelm me as well) that He will complete through us! She is separate from the stresses and issues which have surrounded her life to this point inside my womb. She is a gift...a gift I can choose to celebrate and give thanks for or I can choose to stress and worry and wail over. The choice is mine to make...and what I choose will determine my (and my family's) "happiness" but not my reality. I finally have come to grips with that...and I will choose to celebrate her life with all that I am. This life was given to us to bless us, yes, but ultimately to draw us closer to the Giver of All Life.
Then this past June, we had a friend discover she faced a serious battle with cancer. While she was someone I had worked with over the years, I mainly knew her through the fact that our daughter had babysat for her daughter(s) for the past 3 years. Our conversations, the "real ones" occurred when she picked Meghan up or dropped her off...and in recent months had usually centered around her wanting more kiddos. Even in the middle of her battle, she yearned for what I so carelessly lamented. We watched her fight for her life these past 8 months with everything she had in her...a battle she lost here on earth but completed victoriously in Heaven. And she chose joy...despite knowing the pain and sadness she was leaving behind (and I am sure fighting her own sense of pain and sadness as well). What you heard time after time is that she CHOSE JOY. In the face of death. When you watch her girls, you see that evidence...they depict her joy, even while they grieve their mother. Her trust in her Savior defied her reality here on earth. She drew close to Him even while she wanted to stay here with her family. She (and her family) chose God over everything else, even when it isn't fair or doesn't make sense or isn't the answer they wanted.
We went to her funeral this past Saturday, and she is part of why the fog has cleared. She has shown me my choice...I can find the joy in the midst of the pain if I am willing. I can rejoice even as I feel weak and afraid of what is before me. I can draw strength from the One who knows my heart and loves me despite it all. Or I can choose not to. I can be sad, miserable, depressed, overwhelmed and angry. None of it changes my circumstances...just my heart.
My fog has dissipated, in no small part to Nicole and her battle with cancer. She has reminded me that God wants me...my whole heart and mind and soul. He wants me to find my joy and peace and happiness in Him, not in my circumstances. He wants me to always point my family toward Him, no matter what else gets in the way. And that is what I will choose today...to find my Joy in my Savior. And that is where it changes into bringing me hope and a future.
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