May

May...this time of year always brings me to a time of reflection, (more than usual). I am by nature a reflective person. Especially in the shower...or when I am trying to sleep. :) But this year marks 20 years. A long time to ponder...

From where I sit I can watch him working at the computer...he shifts from school work to Facebook to videos, this boy (man)of mine. His life is what so many today call a choice.

20 years and 2 weeks ago, my (then) boyfriend got a job after 9 months of unemployment. 20 years and 2 days ago I found out I was pregnant. 20 years and 2 days ago I decided to not have an abortion.

It was devestating news. Not because I didn't want to be a mother...not because I didn't love the baby's father...not even because I was "too young" (19). It was because I knew how many people would be disappointed in me and my poor decision to have sex before marriage. It was not how I was raised. It was not what I believed. And yet, here I was.

Abortion is touted as a choice. An option. Don't want a baby? Alone? Without help? Disappointing others? Have an abortion and it will go away. They play on our fears of the future...And yet...

Those moments, those days, they were not easy ones. I was afraid. I was the "good girl" and now I had done this horrible thing. But I couldn't do THAT horrible thing, so I had to face it. And I had a good man that stood beside me. But it wasn't easy.

W got engaged and began to plan a wedding. One of the most difficult conversations I have ever had to have was telling my mom...thankfully SHE told my dad. :) In July we will celebrate 20 years of
fighting each day to put God and each other at the front of our focus. 20 years of choosing Life, in all its messiness. See, those moments of desperation? They change...they end...they become different moments. Those times when you can not see any way out? God reveals a whole new path for you to take. Life is never a bad choice...never the wrong choice. Maybe not the easy one, but never the wrong one.

That baby...he is becoming a man. He is the oldest of seven children. He is learning to take responsibility for his wants, needs and actions. He is not perfect, but he is perfectly made. One day, God willing, he will become a husband and father. And in the good times and bad, on days when I am thankful to be his mother and days when I want to toss him off the nearest bridge, I am reminded that life, his life...ALL life, is a gift. No matter what.

20 years ago today....I never knew what God had intended for me, if i was willing to seek Him and His forgiveness. I felt alone, scared, and a complete and utter failure. Yet I was redeemed. And
forgiven. And loved.

20 years ago this May...I became a mother.
(Written May 19, 2013, even though posted a bit later!)

Adoption

I've been thinking about adoption lately. Strange, you might think, with a 4 month old and her 6 siblings to care for? It's true...but maybe not what you think.

We will potentially "adopt" 4 more boys and 3 more girls into our family over the next 20+ years, and I want to be ready. Ready to bring new life into this family, ready to bring new personalities (and please God, new jokes), new strengths and new weaknesses, new joys, new sorrows, new people...new children. One day, we will become in-laws.

I listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast recently on the power and importance of the in-law relationship and it got me thinking about the subject even more than usual. (Go search for it...you will be blessed!) But honestly it is something I have been thinking and praying about a lot of the past few years as our children get older...what do I want our adult relationships to look like? And I realize that I want 7 new children(If that is Gods will)! I want our boys to be men of God, who honor Him above all else and leave us and cleave to their wives. I want them to put their marriages first, because that will strengthen their relationship with us. I want to watch their wives become sisters to their sisters. I want them to want to come home to visit...and I want their wives to want to do the same.

And I want the exact same for our girls, just in reverse. :) In addition, I want them to love their own in-laws. I want our children to be blessed with two sets of parents...the ones they were born to and the ones they were married in to. And it won't be easy...but it can be beautiful.

How do we, as parents, prepare for that day? When our children choose the one they pledge the rest of their life to? When we adopt a child that someone else ultimately chooses for us? Prayer, certainly. And love...and lots of communication...and learning how to back off as parents and become friends. (And grandparents! So much more fun! :) )

But I realized something...when we brought home our first child, that was it. We were in it for the long haul. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. Life is messy...and children even more so. And the same will hold true for those that become our family though marriage.

Adoption...that is what we will be doing. Adopting (possibly) 7 unique individuals, with their own strengths and weaknesses, families, quirks, and issues. And they will add to the kaleidoscope of colors that is "Our Family". They will stretch us and grow us and challenge us and ultimately bless us more than I can even imagine.

So a word of warning to our children...choose wisely, because family doesn't turn it's back on each other, and if you ask us to adopt a child on your behalf (through marriage) than know we will love
that child til "death do us part".