May

May...this time of year always brings me to a time of reflection, (more than usual). I am by nature a reflective person. Especially in the shower...or when I am trying to sleep. :) But this year marks 20 years. A long time to ponder...

From where I sit I can watch him working at the computer...he shifts from school work to Facebook to videos, this boy (man)of mine. His life is what so many today call a choice.

20 years and 2 weeks ago, my (then) boyfriend got a job after 9 months of unemployment. 20 years and 2 days ago I found out I was pregnant. 20 years and 2 days ago I decided to not have an abortion.

It was devestating news. Not because I didn't want to be a mother...not because I didn't love the baby's father...not even because I was "too young" (19). It was because I knew how many people would be disappointed in me and my poor decision to have sex before marriage. It was not how I was raised. It was not what I believed. And yet, here I was.

Abortion is touted as a choice. An option. Don't want a baby? Alone? Without help? Disappointing others? Have an abortion and it will go away. They play on our fears of the future...And yet...

Those moments, those days, they were not easy ones. I was afraid. I was the "good girl" and now I had done this horrible thing. But I couldn't do THAT horrible thing, so I had to face it. And I had a good man that stood beside me. But it wasn't easy.

W got engaged and began to plan a wedding. One of the most difficult conversations I have ever had to have was telling my mom...thankfully SHE told my dad. :) In July we will celebrate 20 years of
fighting each day to put God and each other at the front of our focus. 20 years of choosing Life, in all its messiness. See, those moments of desperation? They change...they end...they become different moments. Those times when you can not see any way out? God reveals a whole new path for you to take. Life is never a bad choice...never the wrong choice. Maybe not the easy one, but never the wrong one.

That baby...he is becoming a man. He is the oldest of seven children. He is learning to take responsibility for his wants, needs and actions. He is not perfect, but he is perfectly made. One day, God willing, he will become a husband and father. And in the good times and bad, on days when I am thankful to be his mother and days when I want to toss him off the nearest bridge, I am reminded that life, his life...ALL life, is a gift. No matter what.

20 years ago today....I never knew what God had intended for me, if i was willing to seek Him and His forgiveness. I felt alone, scared, and a complete and utter failure. Yet I was redeemed. And
forgiven. And loved.

20 years ago this May...I became a mother.
(Written May 19, 2013, even though posted a bit later!)